A Happy Conversation

SJ Shoemaker
Word Count: 1,224
12/6/2023

A: One more.

B: No, man, I don’t want to do any more of these. They’re stupid.

A: Come on, one more.

B: No.

A: One more!

B: Fine. One more.

A: Ok, next card. Oh, it’s a good one. “You must choose one animal to defend you from an attack by all other animals not chosen.”

B: At the same time?

A: Probably.

B: … Can I bring equipment?

A: You can’t bring a gun.

B: It’s not a gun.

A: Nothing that could hurt the other animals.

B: Could or would?

A: What does that mean?

B: I need to know the rules so I can exploit them.

A: Why are you always so difficult?

B: Can I bring–

A: Yes! Now, what’s your choice?

B: A shark.

A: … Just a shark?

B: I mean, like, a big shark.

A: It’s going to just die on land.

B: That’s why I asked. I want to bring scuba gear.

A: Ah, so you can go underwater.

B: Right. I’ll go to him.

A: Can you do that?

B: Why not? If I’m underwater, all the land animals will drown before they reach me. That’s most of the predators right there. And the shark can handle the rest.

A: That’s… that’s actually really good.

B: That’s what I’m saying.

A: What about a whale?

B: Whale’s not going to eat me.

A: Yes he is.

B: No.

A: Whales eat people.

B: No they don’t.

A: Yes they can; Look it up.

B: Then he’ll eat my shark too. And then the shark can bite his way out of the stomach.

A: Haha. Metal.

B: Hell yeah.

A: Ok, you win. That’s the best answer.

B: Thank you, thank you.

A: Now for the next one.

B: No more.

A: Come on.

B: No. I’m done with these dumb cards. It’s late. It’s a school night. I have to get the girls up super earl–

A: I’ll find one that’s not dumb.

B: They’re all dumb, man. Go home.

A: Not this one.

B: If it’s dumb, I’m kicking you out.

A: Wait, I’m looking.

B: I thought you had one.

A: It wasn’t good enough. Hold on.

B: I am opening the door.

A: “What do you fear most?”

B: Really?

A: You going to argue that’s a dumb question?

B: … What do I fear?

A: What do you fear MOST?

B: You want a canned answer? or, like, a real one.

A: Real, always.

B: Eternity.

A: What?

B: I answered the question, now get out.

A: You have to explain first.

B: Don’t interrupt me while I’m trying to get rid of you.

A: Just explain it. What do you mean? Eternity sounds awesome.

B: Yeah, right up until you think about it for more than a minute. How many mistakes have you made in your life?

A: All of them.

B: No, not all of them. There isn’t enough time for that. Unless…

A: Unless you’re immortal.

B: More time means more mistakes. All the time means ALL mistakes. And I don’t know about you, but I spend enough time feeling guilty for the ones I’ve already committed.

A: But eternity would also mean time to correct all your mistakes, too. Right?

B: Unless the person you hurt with your mistake dies before you correct it.

A: Wouldn’t happen.

B: What’s a lifetime in the face of eternity? Blink once, and you’re looking at a whole new generation. I know me. I know how slow I am to move when life is urgent. But eternity? I’m bearing the guilt for every last one of those mistakes.

A: That’s a dark way of looking at it.

B: Only way I know how.

A: Think of what you could learn, though. How many skills, how much knowledge you could acquire.

B: All I know is, I barely managed to survive 40 years. I can’t imagine having to live another 40. Let alone 400 or 4000.

A: Hey, man, are you ok?

B: No, you’re still here.

A: No, like, are you happy?

B: Another card?

A: Just concern for a friend.

B: Define happiness. 

A: Come on, man. Don’t dodge the question.

B: I’m not dodging. What do you mean when you say happy?

A: Happy. What else would I mean? How many definitions are there?

B: Depends on who you ask. Like, if you go on Facebook.

A: Oh, don’t get me started.

B: Happiness is a warm coffee in your hands.

A: And for this reason, everyone knows the easiest customer service gig around is working at a Starbucks.

B: Ne’er a dissatisfied customer so long as they hold that joe.

A: In that case, there are thousands of oddly specific definitions.

B: Happiness is a warm bed. Unless it’s also wet.

A: Happiness is a long hug. As long as you know who it’s from.

B: Happiness is a lick from a puppy.

A: Unless you don’t own a pet.

B: “Hey! How’d you get in here?”

A: “Where’d you come from?” Haha. But you know that’s not what I mean.

B: Then what do you mean?

A: Happy. I don’t know. Never thought about it.

B: Do I have to constantly smile? Be in a state of perpetual bliss?

A: No, of course not. I mean, not all the time.

B: But some of the time.

A: Sure.

B: How much of the time? 75% 50% Where is the line?

A: I’ve never had to draw one. You just know.

B: Well, I don’t know.

A: You’re not happy?

B: Sometimes.

A: How much is sometimes?

B: That’s what I mean. Where is the line?

A: I don’t know. Maybe there isn’t one.

B: Then to be happy is just to possess the ability to smile.

A: Why do you have to be so clinical about it?

B: You’re going to put me in a clinic?

A: Not that kind.

B: That can’t be your definition. You’re not that dumb.

A: Thank you for the kind words. But how do you mean?

B: No halfway intelligent person could hold that definition and then, after a night of whatever this was, ask if I’m happy. I smiled. Clearly, I’m capable of it.

A: Right. I reject your definition.

B: And I reject yours.

A: Technically, I never gave one.

B: Not coffee or a hug or a warm bed or a pet. They all have the same problem.

A: And what’s that?

B: I have or have had all of them. Every last one.

A: … Dude.

B: Good enough explanation?

A: You’re not happy?

B: … I don’t know.

A: That doesn’t mean you’re not, though.

B: It does if I use your definition of “you just know”.

A: …

B: I don’t, so I guess I’m not.

A: Then I reject my definition, too.

B: Perfect. We’re just two dumbasses, unable to define a simple two-syllable word.

A: Yeah, that description checks out.

B: …

A: …

B: … What a terrible note to end on.

A: Wasn’t great, that’s for sure.

B: Nope.

A: Want to talk about it more?

B: Think we’d make any progress?

A: Nope.

B: Then, no. Not tonight.

A: …

B: …

A: One more?

B: Ok, one more.